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Joke of the Day

"My wife thinks I drink too much... ...but the guy who runs my dialysis treatment says he's seen way worse."

"Slaves be like ""Oh, you worked four years for your Bachelors?"" I worked 50 for my Masters"

"I heard that boomerangs are becoming popular again... They're really making a comeback!"

"Sexy is being tickled with a feather... Kinky is being tickled with a chicken"

"Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot Me: *kisses her neck* H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it's freezing in here"

"Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself."

"My friend tried to kill herself by taking 20 advil. I was very upset by this and I asked her ""Why take 20 advil when you can just take 2 aleve?"

"If you think Special K is boring, wait till you try Normal K."

"If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he'll shoot, tell my family I died a hero... #hero #cootertales"

"A guy goes to the store to buy condoms, ""Do you want a bag?"" the cashier asks, ""No"" the guy says, ""she's not that ugly"""