152452

Joke of the Day

"when i'm stressed i close my eyes and imagine i'm on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach"

"""I am the perfect age for this shit."" -- Roger Murtaugh, age 22"

"Apparently ""some assembly required"" is IKEA for ""here's a beech tree and some nails."""

"I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY but I'll take it."

"What do you call a cross between Communism and Theocracy? Communionism"

"Autocorrect changed 'get a life' to 'get a wife' and now my daughter is a lesbian."

"Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says ""I've lost my electron."" The other says ""Are you sure?"" The first replies ""Yes, I'm positive."""

"What's the difference between pink and purple? Your grip."

"What would George Washington do if he were alive right now? Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin."

"I don't do hard liquor... ...I liquor hard"