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Joke of the Day

"Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture. So I guess you could say I'm like a child whisperer."

"I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me"

"me: wow the stars are beautiful gf: omg babe they really are me: u know who else is beautiful? gf: *blushes* who? :3 me: Harambe"

"Just had too much fun with a woman who lost her son named ""Marco"" in the supermarket just now."

"Jerry Seinfeld is at Best Buy. ""We've got a great deal on TVs today"" the salesman says. ""What's the deal?"" Jerry says. The Best Buy explodes"

"Why did the doctor go the furniture store? Because he needed a stool sample."

"*exercises sarcastically*"

"A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______."

"only thing keeping me from being stripper is about 60 pounds"

"People say I'm odd because... I CAN'T EVEN"