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Joke of the Day

"Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup."

"I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you."

"How did the 5-year old girl fall off of the tire swing? Somebody shot her."

"What's the difference between committing seppuku and impaling yourself with a sword? They're the same thing but committing seppuku comes with a little twist."

"ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask"

"What does marriage have in common with a deck of cards? In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond. Later on, a club and a spade."

"Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes. OH MY GOD THEY'RE CHINESE!"

"Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone."

"Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder."

"Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know."