128312

Joke of the Day

"ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask"

"Noah: An ark? Full of animals?? God: ... Noah: You even listening?? God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage."

"[wife walking in the door after work] WIFE: I had just had the worst... why are our kids in the dog cage? ME: a hello would be nice."

"I hate when you compliment on their mustache... ..and suddenly she's not your friend anymore."

"On Thanksgiving, in Soviet Russia... Turkey shoot you!"

"I know this guy who watches Fist of the North Star........ AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA! BUMBADUMBAAAAAAA (I'm really sorry)"

"[raises hand in English class] Why do we need to be learned English? ""Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"""

"I swear babe, I'm a virgin, it must be a miracle. *Joseph rolls eyes"

"Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels."

"When is a parent like a child? When he's a miner."