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Joke of the Day

"I was fired from Ford today I kept losing focus"

"""sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?"" yes it was like a weird pancake"

"Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died? He just needed a little bit of Clojure."

"Saying ""I'm sorry"" is the same as saying ""I apologize"" ...Except at a funeral."

"I bet in Somalia a kid has been like ""I'm so hungry!"" and another's like ""Third world problem!"" and they both laugh and die and stuff."

"I don't know where you got your face from but i hope you have the receipt."

"I'm pretty sure Jesus was Italian Because only an Italian mother could think her son was a god. And only an Italian son could think his mother was a virgin."

"GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing *i dance beautifully for 12 minutes* GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

"Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle."

"When I die I want my hand to be glued in a thumbs up, and my body lowered into molten steel."