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Joke of the Day

"Phones these days are so expensive... If you fall and hear a crack, you hope you broke your leg."

"Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I'm going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire."

"What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis!"

"do you ever start rubbing your eyes and then it feels really good and you can't stop so it's like eye masturbation"

"What happens when you put too many paintings in your car? You can't make your van gogh."

"What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves? Your mom."

"As 1000 year old necromancers, my wife and I have debated a lot. Like with the war in the middle east, she thinks it's justified, but then I bring up the dead."

"Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!"

"They don't make microwaves the size of refrigerators because they know if you were high you'd try nuking your friends."

"What did the dinosaur say after the car crash? I'msosaurus"