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Joke of the Day

"My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I'm not drink. Drank. Drunk."

"Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on? Pupil: No Miss the dress you're wearing looks fine."

"What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital? ... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones."

"What do you call a utility knife that doesn't work? A futility knife."

"Her: I do. And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me."

"Ted has split personalities. This shows in his behaviour to his girlfriend. He's a dick Ted to her."

"How many SJW's does it take to change a 90w lightbulb? Did you just assume my wattage??? FLICKERED"

"What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!"

"I always like taking a shit while on the clock at work but its always so hard to read what time it is when I put it back on the wall."

"Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn't mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show."