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Joke of the Day

"[getting a haircut] BARBER: anything else? ME: cut me BARBER: what? no ME: like sweeney todd BARBER: i'm no- ME:make me into a pie"

"What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted some ice cream? Sherbert. (I can't take credit for this amazing piece of comedy. Heard it from a friend, no idea if he came up with it or not.)"

"How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener.."

"My favorite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger."

"what do a divorce and a tornado have in common in west virginia? either way you lose the trailer"

"Girl walks into a bar... ...and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he GAVE it to her."

"How many optometrist does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 or 2? 1... Or 2? 1 or 2?"

"Today's youth are getting worse.. Today's youth are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle"

"So Fabio is endorsing a new line of Fleshlights They're calling them ""I can't believe it's not butt."""

"My class teacher once said ""Write and Practice."" Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked"