179085

Joke of the Day

"How many optometrist does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 or 2? 1... Or 2? 1 or 2?"

"[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my resume to get] ME: *does Madonna's Vogue choreography for 45 min*"

"I'm going to beat you up with my penis. .... It won't even be hard."

"When life tosses me a football, I'm the ref who's not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face"

"How do you know if your friend, ""Doesn't even OWN a TV?"" Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. ""Did you hear about the President's new policy on...?"" ""I don't even OWN a TV!"""

"Unless you are wearing live crocodiles on your feet that you have beaten into submission, I care not for your Crocs."

"Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses. Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters."

"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor."

"Seriously. Who gets ""regular strength"" ANYTHING?! ""Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I'd like this headache to LINGER."""

"I went to see my Dentist to have a tooth pulled, but he was on holiday. The guy standing in for him refused to do it. He said he was only filling in."