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Joke of the Day

"Me: I bet you die before you figure out how to text me back. *3 years later* Grandma: Fuck you bitch. Say bye to your inheritance"

"I murdered a load of Jehovah's at church today. Don't worry, I left no witnesses."

"What's the difference between Asians and Caucasians? Asians don't have the ""cauc""."

"Why is it best to ship boxes using a UPS truck? The DOWNS truck is a little slow."

"[febreze commercial Take 1] We've blindfolded Steve and brought him into this room where we brutally murdered his family a week ago to demonstrate the strong odor fighting power of Febreze"

"My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience."

"2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son *son begins describing his 500 new Pokemon cards* Well, there's always next year"

"Being a feminist is like practicing extreme sports Not taking good care of yourself and then bragging about how brave you are."

"Which mafia boss came with all the dlc? John Goty"

"Q: Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain? A: I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind."