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Joke of the Day

"I murdered a load of Jehovah's at church today. Don't worry, I left no witnesses."

"*watching husband sleep* Me: ""I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"" *husband snores* Me: ""I can't live like this."""

"I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist She meant well, but she was just too annoying in bed. She was always saying, ""So, do you like it better like this.... or like this?"""

"I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective"

"What do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen? Carlos."

"So a prisoner took his own mug shot... He called it his ""cellfie""."

"[electric chair] ""Any requests for your final minutes?"" ""Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained."" *acquitted on a technicality"

"I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set"

"I was very upset at the funeral the other day. I started wailing and moaning and banging on the coffin In the end they opened it and let me out."

"The front desk lady at this remote motel is barely concealing her howling desire to graphically murder me. I'll be honest, it's refreshing."