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Joke of the Day

"Q: Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain? A: I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind."

"Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries. Me: *goes home* *puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box* *eats 12 donuts*"

"Valentine's Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year."

"Why didn't we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should've been the first lesson!"

"I'll be a millionaire once I'm done making this device that lets you punch people in the face over the internet."

"[24hr news channel] news just in.. *director repeats himself into headset* news justin *justin just sits there* READ THE NEWS JUSTIN"

"Why are clouds like jockeys? Because they hold the reins!"

"Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind a 5k, but my running group wants to a 10k. I don't like them."

"I called the rape support hotline last night. Apparently it is only for victims."

"Jake and the Cat Man: One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder."