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Joke of the Day

"""What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?"" ""Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."""

"[speed dating] *girl sits down* ""hi im melan- QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE ""wha- CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT"

"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking! jk... rolling"

"I wasn't dropped as a baby, but I've been making up for it ever since."

"A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three... He says, ""uno, dos..."" and he disappears without a tres"

"What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire? mourning wood"

"What 6 words destroy any religious argument as well as your oppositions desire and ability to continue said argument? 1.)Prove 2.)That 3.)Shit 4.)You 5.)Fucking 6.)Cunt"

"Started a game of hide and seek with my dad 20 years ago haha he's the best where are you man"

"Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids. I better get in there quick! She's gonna buy it all."

"Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins."