148740

Joke of the Day

"HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future? ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don't hire Cheryl"

"Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger Me: Like a sledgehammer? T: No. More like breathing- M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?"

"Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to... Unless you're in prison."

"Starbucks really isn't that expensive when compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup"

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend and an impoverished Sierra Leonean child laborer's worst nightmare."

"Can't please Americans For years Americans have complained to the Government that their voices weren't being heard. Now they are freaking the fuck out over the NSA."

"Conductor do you stop at the Savoy Hotel? I should say not on my salary!"

"I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. I've been single for a while and I have to say, it's going very well. Like...it's working out.I think I'm the one."

"Why do feminist picnics suck? Because no one made any sandwiches."

"Police Chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building? Officer: I'm making a house arrest"