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Joke of the Day

"The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight."

"Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster."

"Did you hear about the Million Dollar Dutch Lottery? It's great! If you win, you gat a dollar each year... for a million years."

"I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in 20 years I didn't want to interrupt her."

"A farmer counted 196 cows in the pasture. But he rounded them up and had 200."

"My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn't a joke its a cry for help."

"Two nuns in a bath... The first nun asks the other ""Where's the soap?"" The other replies ""It does, doesn't it?"" Edit: Punctuation"

"*builds time machine* *goes back in time 183 days* *earth is on the other side of the sun* *dies in space*"

"Craigslist is actually a great way to find stuff that's been murdered on"