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Joke of the Day

"My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur."

"When you are trying to get out of the aisle at the movies, and you have to pass by people, do you give them the nut or the butt?"

"Son: what will happen when I die? Me [lowers newspaper]: there'll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we'll turn your room into a gym"

"Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their ""eating disorder""."

"Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how Tree Trunk' is doing"

"Why was the little boy unhappy? Because he had a frog stapled to his face"

"I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street."

"I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity."

"people who can fall asleep quickly freak me out don't they have thoughts"

"The way I see it, the only thing my daughter's little ""boyfriend"" needs to know about me is I ain't afraid to go back to prison."