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Joke of the Day

"'They'll be searching for days!' I giggle as I leave 'sorry bout the damage notes' on random cars at the Costco"

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father... Not screaming like his passengers."

"A girl recognised me This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore."

"""Sit"" dog sits ""Down"" dog lays down on floor ""Play Dead"" dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids"

"I've adjusted my insults to be more pc Instead of calling people gay, I call them straight."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bones ! Bones who ? Bones upon a time... !"

"What happened when Hitler lost his glasses? He could Nazi."

"Girl: Mom mom a monster's just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well keep out of the kitchen I've just washed the floor."

"Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet...."

"Interviewer: Are you good at programming? Me: Yes, I'm very good at writing nondeterministic C++ programs. Interviewer gives me the job. #nerdjokes"