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Joke of the Day

"OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible* JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth? O: Yes BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*"

"People ask me what's my favorite vegetable. Apparently Stephen Hawking is a bad answer."

"[speed dating] *girl sits down* ""hi im melan- QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE ""wha- CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT"

"my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal"

"The good news is I'm pretty much who I say I am. The bad news is I'm pretty much who I say I am."

"Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey? Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!"

"Did you hear about the pig's vacation? They had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up as bears and raided all the garbage cans."

"[M]y boyfriend asked me i[f] I could do him in the butt. I never pegged him for that type of guy."

"Her: Give me a chat up line? Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper? Her: *laughs* Because I'm so captivating? Me: No, you smell like an animal."

"A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter."