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Joke of the Day

"my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal"

"TIL Socrates' last words. ""I drank WHAT?!"""

"""Honey, remember our first date?"" ""Awh, are you planning something for Valentine's?"" ""No, I forgot my password. It's the security question."""

"Please write another brilliant status about how high you are. I'm on the edge of my seat here."

"Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit ? They are both ginger nuts !"

"[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] ""stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"""

"Girlfriend bugging you to get married? Propose to her in the most inappropriate place. ""I'll have the McChicken. AND YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE!"""

"i am not jesus Jesus can wallk on water..,, correct? Yess! Well,.. I can walk on cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So I am 98% Jesus. ;)"

"*Speed Dating* Me: What'd you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit... Me: NEXT!!"

"Is the Black Friday name racist? Because everything's a steal?"