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Joke of the Day

"I watched this guy try for an hour to put lipstick on a turd. You can't make this shit up!"

"A paralyzed man calls U-Haul... ""Hey can you help me move?"""

"What cheese is not yours? Not your cheese...."

"Why did the acid perform poorly? Because it didn't concentrate."

"If Obama is a Muslim extremist, then how come he's a gay prostitute?"

"Something on Valentines Day I just don't get... Laid."

"I like my women like I like whiskey... ...12 years old and mixed up in coke"

"I think I'm uglier with my glasses on but I'm uglier with contacts in, too."

"MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have? ME (through tears): A...a friend"

"I used to play Rock-Paper-Scissors professionally. I made money hand over fist."