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Joke of the Day

"Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds? My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It's on me."

"[Next door dog barking] Me: *inserts earpugs* [Barking intensifies] Me: wtf................haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*"

"patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH bad people: ok, death patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart"

"Both Christmas and New Years fell on a weekend this year, which had to suck for the four or five of you that still have jobs."

"""Rest this big wireless transmitter on your balls for several hours a day. I'm sure it's fine."" -- laptop computers"

"The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks."

"How do windmills feel about renewable energy? They're pretty big fans"

"I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate... Tell me if you can come."

"I miss the things we shared together. Not the chlamydia but the rest of the stuff was cool."

"Imagine how hard you'd cry if you found out your mom had been eaten by a wolf WHILE you were chopping onions."