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Joke of the Day

"Me: I've invested heavily in hedgehog funds. You: I think you mean hedge funds. *opens door to roomful of hedgehogs* Me: Nope."

"My microwave beeps if I don't open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I'm fat, microwave. I won't forget there's food in there."

"Calm down 'Fitbit' joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch"

"Deez Nutz GOTEM!"

"me *walks into house* wife: Where are the kids? me *turns around and goes back out*"

"Has anyone ever seen Matthew McConaughey and a statue made out of overcooked bacon in the same room together"

"Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me........ Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight."""

"I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits."

"And the bartender says, ""Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here."" A man walks into a bar."

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