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Joke of the Day

"I asked my girlfriend if she could wake me up with oral sex. I woke up to her sitting on my face."

"Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal."

"Q: Where do cats write down notes? - A: Scratch Paper!"

"I went running today but came back after 5 minutes because I forgot something I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes."

"I don't think peeing on a goose is the right answer.. But on the other hand.. I'm not sure it's the WRONG answer. -Drunk me at a zoo"

"Grad School: Because it's better than saying ""I'm still looking."""

"As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives And that fucker looked depressed."

"Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time."

"Why is 10 traumatized forever? Because he was right in the middle of 9-11."

"What are the other letters of the alphabet? Nazis."