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Joke of the Day

"A man's wife and his lawyer are drowning, and he must make a choice; so, he chooses to go to the movies. The end. just heard this on *Mad Men* btw"

"Resuming Windows... Resuming Windows is like going back to sex after being interrupted. It doesn't feel the same and you end up restarting."

"Yesterday I avoided a rape of a woman - And how you did it? - I convinced her."

"HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie? HER: sure, sounds great. [next day] HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?"

"There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them."

"On my birthday my wife suggested I have a threesome... My wife suggested for my birthday I have a threesome. I replied ""Do I get to pick both girls?"" And then the fight started..."

"I met my grandmother in Mexico She looked familia."

"If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio"

"What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls? Sparky."

"You used to be the semicolon(;) in my life... You used to be the semicolon(;) in my life! Sorry but times have changed and I have python now...!"