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Joke of the Day

"Brain: We've got lots to do today. Body: You're on your own buddy."

"What the difference between a feminist and a pencil? The pencil has a point"

"i don't think i'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist"

"B: Girl you so fine, I rate you a 9 3/4. G: Why? B: Because I wanna put myself in you. Harry Potter pickup line"

"What do you call a techno-themed grocery store? Gigi D'Agostino"

"*Blind Date* Her: Ask me anything.. Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos? Her: Are you seri.. Me: *flips table*"

"*walks up to cute teller at bank* Me: you wanna grab lunch some time? T: sir, I've seen your balance. M: yea, I was hoping you'd buy."

"KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?"

"In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was ""I'm less stabby than normal"" not ""Please tell me about your cat."""

"""YOUR 15"" is trending worldwide instead of ""YOU'RE 15"" and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet."