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Joke of the Day

"I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low?"

"I've heard the best place to network for a job is at a fat camp You meet *tons* of people"

"All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway. -lies parents tell themselves"

"Why'd the seaman cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock that day."

"Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like ""the light is red!"" and ""don't text and drive!"" and ""oh god, I think that was a person!"""

"Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how? Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I'm a miracle worker"

"No, I don't want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off."

"[SPEED DATING] HER: Hi, is this seat free? ME: By all means. HER: *drags chair across room ME: WTF? HER: *laughing, sits with another couple"

"Dude, the water from the sink is sooo hot... I would tap that."

"What do you call a man who cleans your house? Dustin."