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Joke of the Day

"Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? To find a tight seal."

"What do you call the german version of Harry Potter? Heinrich Potter, and the chamber of gas."

"Texts: Cool! What does it say? Emails: Oh God... what do they want? Phone call: I basically assume someone has died."

"I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken."

"If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you're automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta"

"Why is there a show called ""When Animals Attack""? It should be called ""When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals."""

"whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there."

"I see your swag and I raise you a high school education."

"How many leftists does it take to change a lightbulb? 8,000 to protest against the broken lightbulb but 0 to realize it won't change anything."

"I used to have some jokes concerning noble gasses... but they're argon."