144341

Joke of the Day

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I am not sure what they were laced with but I have been tripping all day"

"What's the definition of relative humidity? The sweat that accumulates under your balls when you're fucking you're sister."

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything... ...trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to gay man's house. Knock knock, who's there? The chicken."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it..."

"I used to feel tired and sluggish. nothing could get me out of the house. then i tried MethTM and boy did i burn my house down"

"[Picking up girls] Me: you like bad boys, huh? Girls: yea Me to my wing man: tell them Wing man: he's just literally the worst"

"[landlord walks in apartment] ""I told you no pets!"" That's a stray gerbil. ""And those fish??"" ...stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM"

"Procrastination is like Masterbation In the end you just fuck yourself"

"Wait, 12 years a slave isn't about marriage?"