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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech? Someone who takes everything literally"

"We get it, painters: you love naked women and bowls of fruit."

"Auto correct doesn't work when I use caps lock. My phone is like ""woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he's wrong"""

"Why was the grandmother's license revoked? She had lost her fine motor skills."

"Whenever I game on my Note 7 I always have such a blast"

"What do you call a black person with a PHD? A Doctor you racist!"

"What's green and has wheels. A dolphin. I lied about the wheels. I also lied about it being green. I lied about the whole thing."

"If kids get their mouths washed out with soap for saying naughty words are we supposed to wash their hands for typing them?"

"I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied ""No, you got that from your mother"". :("

"Today I've smoked 2 packs of cigs, eaten only deep-fried foods & took the seatbelts out of my truck. Free healthcare is going to be awesome."