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Joke of the Day

"Take your husband's last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You're the husband now."

"Laugh at something on your phone and wait for me to ask what it is. See your grandchildren grow old. Witness the death of the sun."

"5: daddy can I tell you a secret? Me: sure thing buddy 5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands"

"What do you call a broken vibrator? A dildon't"

"I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'"

"What do robots eat? A bit of this and a byte of that. Courtesy of /u/DabsyGalore here http://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/1dnslv/i_made_a_working_rollercoaster_using_only_canned/c9s630i"

"A redditor walks into a reddit restaurant Sorry, all our servers are busy, please come back in a minute."

"Why did the priest dislike geometry? It's sin-ful. [self made joke]"

"If you start a sentence with ""Let me reiterate..."" I'm gonna ignore it the second time too."

"I'm going as ""Twitter Elite"" for Halloween. I'm going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me."