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Joke of the Day

"The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back."

"Whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face before"

"So what if I don't have a perfect body?! I'm way better off than I was when I started. Ya know, a baby that used to shit his pants. I do that way less now."

"Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that's sad. But 100% of married people will die, and isn't that a greater tragedy?"

"What's the difference between the bird flu and the the swine flu? For bird flu you need tweetment, for swine flu you need oinkment."

"Why did the girl give Jesus a blowjob? She wanted to see the messiah cum"

"When I was born god asked me if I wanted a good memory or a huge wiener. I can't remember what I picked..."

"What did the Italian historian ask when he saw the original copies of one of the tragedian's greatest plays? Euripides?"

"BowHead Whales! The problem with Bowhead whales is how narcissistic they are. They just won't stop thinking that they are Right!"

"My work day - 8:00-11:30 - wonder what I'll eat for lunch today 11:30 - 12:00 - eat lunch 12:00 - 4:30 - Damn lunch was good."