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Joke of the Day

"Your selfie would be way better if you weren't in it."

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"If you plan a surprise party for me, I'll freak out that you mixed friends from all the separate facets of my life, and start killing people"
"What's the summer weather like for a London criminal? Hot, wet, and muggy."
"Why are wedding dresses white? To match the appliances!"
"What do you call black vegetables? Collard greens"
"TEACHER: ""Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"" JOHNNY: ""Sir my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time."""
"What's the best part about going in without a condom? The abortion."
"Browser History: Man vs. Woman Woman's Browser History: Pintrest Pintrest Pintrest Makeup Tutorial Makeup Tutorial Makeup Tutorial Makeup Tutorial Shoes Shoes Shoes Man's Browser History: -"
"I'm never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore."
"What does a turkey do when he flies upside down? He gobbles up."