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Joke of the Day

"I once saw a real bear in the wild and said ""Aww, look at him!"" What I'm saying is, don't turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency."

"What does a guy think in the middle of a blowjob? Fuck i'm broke."

"6yo: I can't wait to be an adult! Me: Adults don't get snow days. 6yo *faints*"

"I can't believe they fired me from the clock factory.. ..after all the extra hours I put in."

"What do you get when you cross the Queen of England and Prince Charles? Killed in a tunnel."

"A friend of mine was reading an article on a newspaper talking about the dangers of drinking, after that he stopped doing what he loved... ...reading."

"What's the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment. I'll see myself out."

"Two peanuts are walking down the road One is assaulted"

"What do you call a lesbian who drives a Chevy Astro full of penises? A Dick Van Dyke"

"My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test."