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Joke of the Day

"Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn't have bought all this meat."

"People say I'm a mean person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a sweet girl In a jar on my desk."

"Why did the semen cross the road? Because it was my first fap in over two weeks."

"What did the chinese guy tell the police when he was caught? You got the Wong guy."

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously."

"I didn't see anyone important today, so I'll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow."

"The Best Part of Waking Up is Friends Who Don't Know Each Other Arguing In Your Comments on Facebook"

"Hey, can everyone stop making new movies and TV shows for a while so I can catch up?"

"Q: Why did the lady and her attorney seek a scarlet frock as part of a settlement? A: Because she wanted a red dress for her grievances."

"My wife is: 1) Am amazing mom and a great friend 2) Still the most beautiful girl I've ever been with 3) Now following me on Twitter"