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Joke of the Day

"Things to get done: Make coffee, Drive a train high on cocaine, Rent a lion to eat my neighbor's dog, clean up mess from that lion thing."

"Why don't black people go on cruises? Not falling for that one again."

"What type of pasta is most likely to cheat for a musical award? Rigatoni"

"Open an ice cream shop with flavors like ""don't be sad,"" ""they're not worth it,"" ""you deserve better"" and see if people don't flock right in"

"A baby seal walks into a club... ..."

"[at a child's birthday party] Lady: which one's yours? Me: uhh, that one L: that's my daughter M: *grabs the cake and runs*"

"This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward."

"I'm going to the bathroom to take a dump Can I get you anything?"

"My (black) coworkers informed me that black people can't get lice? ""You know what else they can't get? Good jobs."" I received a write-up :("

"Today I got in touch with my inner self Last time I'm buying cheap toilet paper."