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Joke of the Day

"If you're a douchebag, it's so easy to find the right hat."

"What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have Bird Flu, you need tweetment. If you have Swine Flu, you need oink-ment."

"I just found out that there's a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*"

"Don't trust Bernie Sanders... A Jew wanting to break up the banks doesn't make sense *not meant in any way that would be seen as prejudice *obligatory post trigger warning"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Ashley ! Ashley who ? Ashley-t's foot !"

"When someone asks, ""How are you?"" I say, ""5-7-8-3"" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it."

"""DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME"" - Farts"

"Calling in sick to work... Me: Im not gonna be able to make it to work today bossman I'm sick Boss: You don't sound sick...? Me: Well, I'm fucking my sister, IS THAT SICK ENOUGH FOR YOU"

"I broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens shoes. Bitches be trippin."

"What do you call a pretzel that got his ass kicked? A salted pretzel"