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Joke of the Day

"I'm not that smart... and have no clue as to what any word means when it has more then two syllables. How will I ever shave?"

"A kleptomaniac was walking down the street one day and I saw a man waving a white stick.. so he stole it when the man wasnt looking.."

"I haven't slept for ten days... ... Because that would be too long."

"I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, ""helium."" Also, my friend is a balloon."

"Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes? 'Cause all their pants are half-off"

"I was looking for a dating website with lots of Christians So I joined Ashley Madison"

"Knock knock. Who's there? Hotel. Hotel who? Ho, tell me where my money is!"

"This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys."

"Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me."

"I used to listen to old Mitch Hedberg recordings.. I still do, I just used to too."