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Joke of the Day

"Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It's not like I'm driving a giant metal instrument of death."

"me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff date: Are u reading off notecards M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order"

"I think my wife has a habit of walking in her sleep Every morning I find her sleeping in someone else's bed."

"My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says ""Your password is incorrect"", I type in: ""incorrect"" and the silly thing still tells me the same thing."

"Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key."

"PSA for vacationing families: Don't let your kids play PokemonGo at Disney. They'll get eaten by wild Feraligatrs."

"My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing."

"Friend: Do I need to repeat myself? Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time"

"So a horse walks into a bar... ...and the bartender asks, ""Hey buddy, why the long face?"" The horse looks up and responds, ""I'm out of the job! Sarah Jessica Parker started doing her own stunts."""

"What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life? "" Did you try turning me off and on again?"""