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Joke of the Day

"I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes."

"[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad] ""Here $60. It's all I have. Call if you need more."""

"Dad: ""Don't you come back late midnight again... ...Otherwise you'll be coming back next year."""

"Why aren't there any female butchers? Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone."

"[knocking at the door] VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police! ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND"

"I've been feeling so shitty this valentines day.. This cold I have is terrible!"

"Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday Those were the days..."

"I don't believe it, but Google insists I am the first monkey at a typewriter to bang out the phrase, ""So thirsty I could blow a horse."""

"Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm? They take things literally"

"What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A quarter pounder with cheese"