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Joke of the Day

"*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiance is reading her wedding vows*"

"'I've been a very naughty girl!' she said, licking her lips, 'I need to be punished . . .' So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas."

"I [19/M] am in a D/s relationship, and mistook some pushover chick from my uni for my GF [18/F]! Whoops, wrong sub."

"Cop: Reason I pulled you over was you were swerving Me: Sorry was tryin to catch a Pokemon Cop: Which one!? I mean let me see your license"

"Why doesn't God like grapefruit? Because he doesn't fucking exist."

"HR: Know why we called you down? Me: Hmm...a raise? HR: You know we monitor internet usage right? Me: I'd like to report a hacking!"

"I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket ""Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this thing?"""

"What does a casino and a prostitute have in common? They both fuck people for money."

"[blind date] Me: So you can't see me? Him: Nope. Not at all. Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!"

"What do you call a black guy on the moon? An Astronaut."