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Joke of the Day

"Women are kinda like engines. You gotta show them a little TLC to get all your money's worth out of them, and every now you have to choke them to get them to turnover."

"It's that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it's me trying to do my taxes."

"TIFU by falling asleep on the john at noon. I meant Job. I fell asleep on the Job. :D :D"

"Switzerland on Austrians: ""Why is the Austrian flag red-white-red'?"" ""So that they can't raise it upside-down"""

"Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents. My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!! Me: Then don't do it."

"I love every bone in your body, especially mine."

"TIL: Phonebooks are banned in China Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs, you might Wing the Wong number."

"How to be depressed Step 1. Go to 1973 and sell 10% shares of apple for $800 Step 2. Realise those 10% is worth $43 billion nowadays."

"""I'm going to be a little bit late"" -people that are going to be very late"

"A few years back dos Equis asked me to be the spokesperson for their beer. I told them I wasn't interested."