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Joke of the Day

"Don't say ""lets get weird"" on our date then get freaked out I'm dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage."

"""When I learned how to edit videos I felt like the Flash..."" Friend: ""Why, because you fast learner?"" Me: ""No, because I fucked up the timeline."""

"Doctor doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!"

"My Nephew's pet chicken died. I couldn't help asking if the funeral will be fried or roasted."

"PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds"

"Don't walk around the city at night with a lot of bread in your pocket. You might get rolled."

"My husband says if this gets 150 upvotes we'll try anal just like every other night"

"Let's get naughty and save Santa the trip."

"Saw Robin Hood. Basically it's a film about stealing 13 dollars from evil movie-goers and giving it to the studios."

"What do you call a bunch of black people in a pile of leaves? Raisin Bran"