140064

Joke of the Day

"*looks up ""how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds"" on YouTube* *ad starts playing* *looks up ""how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds""*"

"ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec- ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here? ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let's hear him out."

"Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to ""defeat ISIS"" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical."

"What do you call it when you open a soda for a buddy who is in outer space? An astrofizzassist."

"How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb? One but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room."

"My father thinks himself an expert at cutting through busy sidewalks. I consider his ability rather pedestrian."

"I've got a new job crushing fizzy drinks cans... It's soda pressing [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/6lWz2UD.jpg)"

"Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

"My friend is 1/8th Jew He's Jew...Ish"

"Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player"