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Joke of the Day

"So my sister attempted to commit suicide the other day and it made me so angry. I couldn't believe one of my own family members would fail at something like that."

"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once."

"If I ever become a filthy millionaire, I'm gonna string 50 smartwatches together and create a batman belt of gadgets out of them I know it's a waist of time, but it'll be worth it."

"girl you're like the water in flint, michigan you quench my thirst but i know you'll slowly kill me"

"What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack? The babies in my nutsack are still living."

"So an interviewer asked me a question.. A: Your greatest weakness? B: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmaticsA: Could you give an example?B: Yes, I could"

"What should you do when push comes to shove? Learn to read. The door says ""pull""."

"Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who's knees don't bend."

"What gets all sweaty as it rides on top of you? Your backpack."

"Motion to rename diarrhea ""craps lock."" I am very proud of the person I have become."