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Joke of the Day

"My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted."

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"Why was the baby put in jail? For resisting a rest. ^^^^I'll ^^^^take ^^^^my ^^^^coat"
"Me: ""I'm trying to type the word 'fucking.'"" My iPhone: ""Huh? Surely you mean 'ducking.'"" Me: ""No, I mean 'fucking'."" My iPhone: ""Bullshot."""
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, a hipster will buy the soundtrack."
"*runs into the back of wife's leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time* me: We meet agai- wife: Go wait in the car me: Ok"
"So i was sitting on the bus... ... next to this really hot Thai girl and i thought to myself, ""Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."" ...But she did."
"What do you call a witch who drives really badly? A road hag."
"I've been making a list of reasons to move to Switzerland... the flag is big plus."
"I'm not playing hard to get. I'm playing leave me the fuck alone."
"Why are there so few professional pedophiles? Most of them prefer playing in the minors."
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