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Joke of the Day

"Mother: Jared get your little sister's hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can't mum she's got it strapped too tight under her chin!"

"My friend just posted this on Facebook. He'll make a classic dad one day. I remember 2013 like it was yesterday OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!"

"Wife: ""Notice anything?"" Me: ""Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?"" Wife: ""You forgot to wear pants."""

"What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear? Denim Denim Denim"

"Did you hear about the pornstar who had a heart attack whilst filming? He had it coming."

"I've just bought a car that parks itself. Oh really? And where it is? I have no fucking idea."

"Do you know how we know that Santa Claus is married? Because he only comes once a year! Merry Christmas. P.S. I'm sure this joke has been told somewhere but just in case someone hasn't heard it."

"What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog."

"My only fitness goal is to look good enough where if I ever posed naked people wouldn't see it and say, ""Wow, that's so brave of him."""

"popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it 'popped corn', is the number #1 food of watching things"