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Joke of the Day

"The only way I'd get within six feet of some people is if I'm standing on their grave."

"Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users."

"Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with ""mad cash"" on your face?"

"I'm good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped."

"Did you hear about the pillow factory that blew up last week? There was a big panic at first, but it's all settled down now."

"What do Ethiopian's and a pair of jeans have in common? They both have flies on them."

"I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you."

"My phone knows the word ""giveth"" but not the word ""fuck."" Perfectly useful for speaking to knights but not for describing what they did."

"BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER."

"The Indian National Army has anti-gay laws... They call it the law of Don't Ask, Don't Patel."