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Joke of the Day

"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket.. And says ""Some asshole's got my pen!"""

"Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks."

"Interview: ""What is your biggest weakness"" Guy: ""Honesty"" Interviewer: ""I don't believe honesty is a weakness"" Guy: ""I don't give a f*** about what you believe"""

"I didn't have fun at the Boston Marathon this year ... back in 2013 it was a blast."

"*pounding on her chest* DON'T DIE ON ME KAREN! *pounds harder* (sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT! CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong."

"I heard you like bad boys she replied: Yeah Well, i'm not trying to impress you or anything But When Disney channel asked me to go their website with parents permission, I didn't ask my parents."

"I wouldn't let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT'S NOT NORMAL!"

"I want my ashes scattered when I die. I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead."

"Customer asking Bin Laden in Bar ( i need /u/yourjokeexplainedhere Customer: ""I'll have a Bin Laden, please."" Barman: ""Sir, what is dat?"" Customer: ""Two shots and a splash of water."""

"Me: I'd kill for a body like that Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c- Me: yeah I'd rather kill"