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Joke of the Day

"Someone stole my watch and stepped on it. I beat them up. I swore to myself that day that that would never happen again. Not on my watch."

"I made a shitty voodoo doll, once... ...and all the limbs fell off. Worked out for me, though."

"Watch out for children on the road. They're terrible drivers."

"I successfully said ""Worcestershire sauce"" today!"

"My band were thinking about doing a concert in space... ...but then we realised there would probably be no atmosphere."

"Q: What are the small bumps around a woman s nipples for? A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.'"

"Someone hit my fender so I told them, 'be fruitful and multiply'... But not exactly in those words. -Woody Allen"

"Headache Doc: Hows your headache? Husband: She's fine."

"What did the magician say to the aerial student? I work on a different plane"

"That awesome moment when your best friend likes your Facebook status because they know the story behind it."